Let’s Get Physical

There are certain things you can’t undo – flick off a policeman, masturbate to Britney Spears, or ask “wow, how far along are you?” to a woman who seems pregnant, but isn’t.

The same is true for coming to the realization that you are hopelessly out of shape. Once you know, you really can’t un-know. Sure, you can deny it. I know plenty of people who have a P.O. Box in denial. But deep down, the truth of your blobiness is out there, staring mercilessly at your double chins.

Now, truth be told, I’m no porker. If anything, my time in Singapore has served me well – more walking, better food, high priced beer. That said, I’m not the man I was when I was awesome – er– est.

My moment of clarity came when I tried to hang with my 19 year-old stepbrother during a recent trip to Mexico. We went drink for drink, punch for punch, and allegedly even attempted to woo the same cocktail waitress. The bad news is I lost the wooing contest. The good news… she may have been a chubby 59 year-old man named Paco. The next day I wished the happy couple well and apologized profusely to my liver, back, and self-esteem. They, as yet, have not accepted.

Some people claim to have a religious experience during these life-altering moments. Mine came in the form a hell-battling vision who looked remarkably like a holy version of Madonna’s ex-boyfriend. Yes, Sean Penn Jesus saved me from an impossibly real death dream and “healed” some massive chest pains, which in retrospect was probably more heartburn than the massive coronary embolism I imagined. Note to self - an extra spicy burrito at 2 a.m. is always a bad decision.

Still, I’m not one to balk at a deity’s dedication. And so, since a rather large birthday is looming and I swore that night to clean myself up, I’ve recently embarked on an SPJ inspired quest to look and feel 10 years younger by the time I hit that magic milestone.

I share this with you TLC fans mostly out of timing. If things go right, I’ll hit my goal about the day I board a plane back to the States. Also, like my body, I expect future entries to be leaner, more powerful, and ready to dazzle with a nimble, sarcastic style. And won’t that be nifty?

So here’ to the SPJ lifestyle – and yes I’m toasting with my water bottle – oh joy!